Navigating disagreements in a relationship can be challenging, but arguing doesn’t have to mean tearing each other apart. To understand how couples can communicate their differences in a healthy and constructive way, we spoke with Israt Jahan Bithi, one of the most valued experts from Moshal Mental Health’s panel. She is a senior psychologist specializing in conflict resolution, anger management, and mental well-being. With a stellar academic background spanning both Bangladesh and Canada. She holds degrees in Psychology and Clinical Psychology from Dhaka University and a Mental Health and Social Work Practice degree from Toronto Metropolitan University. Bithi brings a wealth of expertise to the conversation. Her work focuses on helping individuals, couples, and families develop healthier ways to handle conflict, manage emotions, and strengthen relationships.
In this interview, she shares valuable insights on how to argue productively without damaging the bond you share with your partner.
Why do so many couples struggle with arguing in a healthy way?
When couples first get together, they often don’t realize the potential conflicts that can arise once they start living together. Since they previously only spent limited time and may not have discussed deeper issues, they remain unaware of the challenges that come with sharing a life. It’s important to remember that each partner comes from a different family background, with unique values, beliefs, and experiences.
These differences naturally lead to disagreements, but understanding and acknowledging them is the first step toward healthy conflict resolution.What are the biggest mistakes people make during an argument? When arguing, avoid bringing up your partner’s past mistakes or using their vulnerabilities against them. Instead, focus on the purpose of the discussion. What are you trying to resolve? Arguments should be about finding solutions, not proving a point or winning. Be mindful not to degrade or humiliate your partner or their family, and never underestimate their achievements.
Over time, couples learn what hurts or upsets each other, but using that knowledge as a weapon in an argument only damages the relationship. A healthy disagreement should strengthen your bond, not weaken it.
How can we tell the difference between a productive argument and a destructive one?
A productive argument is one that fosters understanding and leads to solutions, while a destructive argument damages the relationship and creates emotional distance. Learning to differentiate between the two is essential for maintaining a healthy and respectful partnership. A constructive argument is healthy because it focuses on resolving issues rather than assigning blame. The goal should always be to identify the problem and work toward a solution, rather than trying to “win” the argument. In a healthy discussion, both partners feel heard and respected, even if they don’t immediately agree. A destructive argument, on the other hand, is unhealthy and often leads to emotional harm. It becomes about winning or proving a point, rather than resolving the issue at hand. These arguments are typically filled with blame, criticism, or personal attacks, which can erode trust and intimacy over time.
The key to handling disagreements in a healthy way is to shift the focus from who is right to what is best for the relationship. Conflict is a natural part of any partnership, but how it is handled determines whether it strengthens or weakens the bond. By approaching disagreements with respect, patience, and a willingness to understand your partner’s perspective, couples can use arguments as a tool for growth rather than a source of division.
Is it normal to argue frequently in a relationship, or is that a red flag?
Arguments can take different forms depending on a person’s personality, communication style, and emotional triggers. While some people might see arguing as a way to express their emotions, it’s important to recognize that arguing is not always the best solution to resolving conflicts. Instead, open and respectful conversations should be encouraged.
As human beings, we are not perfect, and we can’t always respond in the “right” way during moments of frustration. However, being mindful of how we communicate can make a significant difference. One key factor is tone of voice, the same words can carry different meanings depending on how they are spoken. A harsh or dismissive tone can turn a simple discussion into a heated argument, while a calm and respectful tone encourages productive dialogue.
In general, arguments are not healthy because they often involve defensiveness, raised voices, and emotional escalation. Rather than focusing on proving a point, it is always better to discuss issues openly with the intention of understanding and finding a solution. Healthy relationships thrive on communication, not confrontation.
What should we do if one partner tends to shut down during an argument?
Shutting down during an argument may feel like a way to avoid conflict, but in reality makes the situation worse. When one partner withdraws and refuses to engage, it can leave the other feeling unheard, frustrated, or even abandoned. This avoidance can make the conflict more complex and harder to resolve in the long run.Instead of going silent, communicate your need for space. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to step away but let your partner know. A simple statement like, “I need some time to cool down, but I want to talk about this later,” can prevent misunderstandings. Taking a break can help both partners regain emotional balance, but complete silence or stonewalling only builds resentment. The key is to pause, not shut down, cool off if needed, but always come back to the conversation when both of you are ready to communicate effectively.
What’s the best way to apologize after an argument without invalidating our own feelings?
The best way to apologize after an argument is to acknowledge your role in the conflict while still honoring your own feelings. Apologizing doesn’t mean you’ve “lost”, it means you value your relationship more than your ego. A sincere apology fosters understanding, teaches emotional maturity (especially to children), and helps repair the bond between partners.
For mothers, apologizing to their spouse in front of their children can set a powerful example. It teaches kids that saying sorry is a strength, not a weakness, and that resolving conflicts with love and respect is more important than being “right.” However, this applies to both partners. Mutual respect and accountability should always be the goal.
How can we break out of the cycle of having the same argument over and over again?
Breaking out of the cycle of having the same argument over and over again starts with shifting the focus from blame to understanding. It’s essential to accept that neither you nor your partner is perfect, both of you will make mistakes, and that’s okay. Instead of criticizing each other for what’s going wrong, try to offer support and encouragement for each other’s struggles.
A simple phrase like “I see you trying your best, and I’m here for you” can go a long way in diffusing tension and building emotional security. Small gestures like a pat on the back, a reassuring touch, or simply acknowledging your partner’s efforts can provide more comfort than you might realize. When both partners feel seen and appreciated, they’re less likely to fall into repetitive conflicts and more likely to approach problems with teamwork and patience.
What are some ways to repair trust after a particularly hurtful argument?
Repairing trust after a particularly hurtful argument requires patience, reflection, and intentional action from both partners.
Here are three steps to help rebuild the connection:
Take Time to Process – Instead of rushing to resolve things immediately, allow both yourself and your partner some time to cool down and process the conversation. This space helps prevent further emotional outbursts and allows for more thoughtful reflection.Identify the Root Cause – Once emotions have settled, sit down together and discuss why the argument was so hurtful. What was said or done that triggered such a strong reaction? Understanding the deeper issue behind the conflict is crucial for preventing it from happening again.
Take Responsibility and Apologize Sincerely – A genuine apology acknowledges the pain caused and shows a commitment to making things better. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry you felt that way,” take ownership with something like, “I’m sorry for what I said, I understand that it hurt you, and I regret it.”
9. What’s the best way to handle conflicts about finances, in-laws, or parenting?
Conflicts about finances, in-laws, and parenting are common, but they can be managed with transparency, teamwork, and respect.
For finances, both partners should be open about their individual and shared responsibilities. Instead of blaming each other, discuss financial goals, create a budget, and make decisions together to reduce stress.
In-law conflicts should be handled with balance. Priorities will vary by situation, and setting boundaries while maintaining respect is key. The husband, in particular, should be mindful of both his parents and his wife, ensuring harmony between both sides.When it comes to parenting, couples should work as a team, discussing disagreements privately rather than in front of the children. Instead of focusing on who is right, prioritize what’s best for the child and support each other’s decisions.
10. If a couple finds themselves constantly arguing, when is it time to seek professional help?
If a couple finds themselves constantly arguing, it may be time to seek professional help when conflicts become damaging and start affecting their daily lives.
Frequent arguments that lead to emotional distress, increased resentment, or a breakdown in communication should not be ignored. If disagreements escalate to the point where they interfere with work, daily responsibilities, or overall well-being, intervention is necessary. Signs that professional help is needed include persistent conflicts, constant disagreements over everything, or when others begin to notice the strain in the relationship.In particular, if arguments become emotionally or physically abusive, seeking help is urgent. The male partner should take initiative in addressing the issue and encourage professional support rather than letting problems escalate further. A therapist or counselor can provide guidance, helping couples rebuild communication, resolve deep-rooted issues, and restore emotional connection before the damage becomes irreversible.
At the heart of every relationship is the desire to feel loved, heard, and understood. Arguments are inevitable, but how we handle them determines whether they bring us closer or push us apart.
By choosing respect over blame, communication over silence, and understanding over pride, couples can turn conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection. Every relationship faces challenges, but when both partners are willing to listen, compromise, and support each other, they create a bond that withstands the test of time.In the end, it’s not about avoiding arguments altogether—it’s about learning to argue with love.
