Expert Advice: Sarah Sultan
Life’s ups and downs can take a toll on our well-being, and sometimes our own thoughts and behaviors unknowingly add to our struggles. To shed light on the factors that make us feel miserable and how to overcome them, we spoke with Sarah Sultan, a highly regarded expert in the field of mental health. Sarah Sultan holds a BSc in Psychology from Mazoon College, Sultanate of Oman, and an MSc in Child Psychology from UCSI University, Malaysia. She specializes in Disability and Neurodevelopmental Disorders as well as Career Counseling. With extensive experience in Child and Parent Counseling, she provides valuable insights into understanding and managing emotional well-being. The following narratives illustrate real-life struggles people face, drawn from Sarah Sultan’s professional experiences. While the names and ages mentioned in this document are fictional, the challenges and emotions reflected in these stories are based on real clients. Through these accounts, we explore the common habits and thought processes that contribute to unhappiness and offer practical strategies for breaking free from them.
1. People pleasing
Noor is a 14-year-old girl who has only one aim in life – to make her parents happy. As a child she is used to hearing things like “I spend a lot of money behind your tuition fees so you need to study hard and get good grades”. When she is unable to achieve the grades that her parents expected, she feels guilty for spending her father’s money. As a result, she tries to make up in other ways to make them happy and pleased with her. She fears that her parents will not like her or want her if she doesn’t please them. She obeys them; does not disagree with anything; makes efforts to make them happy and does not say much when her opinion is required. This has been reducing her self-esteem and has been causing anxiety in her.
We do not suddenly turn into people-pleasers. It is something that develops over time. Most of the time it emerges from childhood, when a child has unmet psychological needs that they try to satisfy within close relations. They try to be there for others in order to resolve their own psychological unfulfilled needs. It can also be brought on by the guilt of not being able to please parents or siblings.
Tips:
- Learning assertiveness, to say no when required.
- Learning to communicate healthier ways and resolve conflicts.
- Learning to set boundaries.
- Practicing self-compassion.
Therefore, if you feel uncomfortable conveying the right message, stop and tell yourself, “This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it.” Ask questions like ‘’what is the worst that will happen if I don’t people please now” Don’t run away from it. Sit with those thoughts for a while and it will eventually go. Respect your own needs.
2. Comparison
Omer, a 25-year-old boy who works as an intern in a bank feels sad and gloomy most of the time. He does not feel confident about himself and has little faith in his abilities. He is unable to focus on his work and his productivity is being hampered. He suffers from depression. He thinks all his friends are doing great in life and he is nowhere close. Sometimes he feels jealous and his self-esteem is lowering. He feels insecure and is looking for people who aren’t in a position as great as his to temporarily feel good about himself.
In this era of social media very often we find ourselves comparing ourselves with people we don’t even know, based on things they choose to share with the world! Focus on your own values/personal belief- who you want to be and things that truly matter to you. Work towards being the person you want to be by acting with integrity.
Tips:
- Limit how much time you spend on social media.
- Pay attention to what makes you think of comparisons.
- Recognize what you are thinking. Is it jealousy? Remind yourself that by comparing with others won’t make you happier or successful. Remind yourself of your own achievements.
- Write down things that you are grateful for. By doing so you can shift from comparison to appreciation.
3. Not having a growth mindset
Sana, 19, began to learn the Japanese language. However, after attending three classes, she finds it difficult. She decides to quit because she thinks she will never be able to learn it. She no longer makes the effort to practice it. She lost the motivation to learn.
Having a growth mindset is the belief that you can develop/improve skills by putting in the effort. It allows you to view obstacles as opportunities for personal development.
A growth mindset helps individuals strengthen relationships by viewing them as works in progress, allowing for more productive handling of challenges. Fixed mindset, on the other hand, is the opposite- it usually happens when you fall into a pattern of not wanting to work through challenges.
Tips:
- Believe in yourself.
- Understand and face your fears.
- Challenge yourself and take that risk.
- Use positive direction to reframe unwanted thoughts or negative beliefs.
- Determine your purpose/goals.
- Practice non-judgmental attitude.
4. Neglecting self-care
Fatma, 25 works as an android developer who spends the majority of her day sitting in front of the screen. This work pattern has caused her to lead a sedentary lifestyle, where she has little to no physical activity; and she relies on junk food most of the time. As a result, she is becoming lethargic and feels exhausted. She doesn’t get enough sleep. She is also gaining weight because of which she feels insecure.
Self-care involves taking care of our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. However, many people neglect it due to busy schedules, lack of motivation, or because they don’t see immediate results. How do we practice self-care? You could try fitting the following small activities into your schedule:
- practicing journal writing,
- physical exercise,
- spending some quality time with yourself with your phones put away,
- practicing breathing exercises/meditation,
- doing things that you enjoy (skin-care, cooking, painting).
Self-care is not selfish. It makes you strong. Once you are able to take care of yourself, only then can you focus better on other things in life.
5. Dwelling in the past or/and future
Rayhan, a 27-year-old boy working at an esteemed MNC. he has plans for starting his own business and at the same time plans to move abroad. Previously, he also applied for both immigration and jobs abroad but multiple applications were rejected. He is on the verge of giving up. He plans to have a startup here in Bangladesh so that when he goes out, he will have financial security. Because of the setbacks earlier, he now feels demotivated to work. He thinks he will fail again and is uncertain about how to start the business and questions its sustainability.
Has it ever happened that you think about either your past or the future too much?
We also most of the time worry about the future- thinking of all the uncertain possibilities in a negative way. We all think of things that could probably go wrong. Vague thoughts of the past and future are usually something that isn’t worth our time and energy, so to shift it we need to start by paying attention to those thoughts. Think of them without analyzing or judging . Do not act on them either. Don’t try to force a stop!
Try practicing mindfulness . Mindfulness is a simple technique where you intentionally become aware of the present moment and pay attention to your thoughts, feelings and sensations of the body. You intentionally focus your attention and bring your mind to whatever you are doing or thinking. In other words, focusing on the present moment.
Breaking free from patterns that contribute to misery takes time, effort, and self-awareness. By recognizing these habits and actively working toward healthier mindsets, we can improve our overall well-being and lead more fulfilling lives. Small changes can lead to big transformations, and every step forward is a step toward a healthier, happier you.
